March 13, 2012
Nine weeks today - which means my baby is the size of a grape, according to the purveyors of the latest fad in baby measurements. (http://www.babycenter.com/slideshow-baby-size). I start my prenatal care on March 25th, (kumquat and a half weeks). When I get to between fig and lime size (11-12 weeks) I will be seeing a maternal fetal medicine specialist to have some tests done. They will primarily be looking for early markers of Down's Syndrome, but will also check for two other severe types of chromosomal disorders. It's pretty amazing how much can be seen non-invasively these days. In the past an old lady mom like me would need to have an amniocentesis to get this kind of information this early - this involves a giant needle in the belly, a lot of discomfort, and a small risk of miscarriage. Now a blood test can look for fetal DNA in my blood and tell with about 99.9% accuracy if the baby has a couple very specific chromosomal disorders. I may also have a very directed type of US to look for physical markers. The testing is still a few weeks away, so I may feel differently as time goes on, but I feel very unworried about this kiddo. The chances of there being any issues are small, and I just feel like this baby is gonna be ok.
I have always thought that if I found out my baby had certain abnormalities, I would choose to terminate the pregnancy early on. I have also always known that I won't really know what I will do until I am actually confronted with the reality. It seems unimaginable to carry a baby that will absolutely not survive after birth (ie if it doesn't grow a brain or has other major genetic anomalies), but the much greyer area includes things like Down's Syndrome that aren't necessarily life threatening, but have lifelong implications for the baby and me. I know that I will make the right choice for me and my family, but that it will be a very difficult one to make if I have to. I don't worry about my soul, or my relationship with a higher power, or what other people will think of me - I believe my job as a human is to always make the best decisions I can, honestly and open heartedly, and that with the gift of being able to make life inside your body comes the burden of having to make difficult choices for your children and family, and that I should not be judged for those choices - but I do worry that I could make a choice I might regret. My dear friend Jill will be accompanying me to this visit because I wouldn't want to find out any hard news alone, but I know that no matter who is with me I will be making this decision alone. I also know that no matter what I choose, my family and community will be with me the whole way, loving me and supporting my choices. And at the end of the day, that's makes everything seem a little less frightening.
For now I am just hanging with my presumably perfect little grape - the little grape that is draining my life force and making me more tired that I ever knew a healthy human could be. I think we're both fine and will continue to be all the way to small pumpkin size.
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