Begin the begin

December 24, 2012


2013 - this will be the year I start my family. MY family. My FAMILY. MY FAMILY!

Deciding to become a single mom is overwhelming, but I know with every fiber of my being that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life, right now. It has been a really wild few weeks - three weeks to be exact. Three weeks in which I decided to change my life, to create a new life, to open to the experience of being a mother.

So much happened in these 3 weeks. Kate and Joon offered to be my donors;  Becky and Kristen and Tanya saw me, loved me enough, knew me enough, to tell me it's time; I woke up one day and knew I NEEDED a baby; I stopped my pills on 12/8; I started doing ovulation predictors on 12/19, and at 1:00am on the 23rd, I got the smiley face saying I should be ovulating in the next 24 hours.

I haven't been this sure of anything since I decided to become a midwife. Before that, I think the most sure I ever felt about anything was when I was five and declared, "I am definitely never going to get married and I am definitely going to have a baby." And I knew that every single day until the day Anna and I broke up. Then I set it down. Then I stopped knowing it.  I set it down until I could heal. I set it down until I finished school. I set it down until I had money. I set it down until I had a partner. I stopped knowing if I was willing to give up my independence and time and money. I stopped knowing if I was brave enough to be a parent. I stopped knowing if I could love anyone enough to care for them for the rest of my life. And finally, almost exactly 10 years after I left Philadelphia, I have finally picked it back up, I finally KNOW it again. I have no partner, and I don't have much money. What I do have is an open heart, boundless love and affection, a strong will, belief in myself, an amazing community of friends/family/family of choice, and the will to create and grow life inside me.

Tonight I am at the Kim's house. The kids are sleeping, Lea in her little bed next to mine, Lucile on the floor. All I can hear is the rhythmic in and out of peaceful, dreamless, baby breaths. The day that Kate, Joon and I decided that we were going to do this was quietly, suddenly, miraculous. When we had talked about everything and I knew in my heart that this was the way to move forward, I felt this opening inside, like a door that had been stuck, when the humidity finally dropped, eased from its formerly swollen frame and silently swung out. And in that opening came the space for a baby to grow.

I spent the rest of that day with the family, going to gymnastics, reading to the girls, fixing and eating dinner, cleaning up, having family game night, laughing, smiling, hugging Kate and beaming. And I knew, this was a family I want to be a part of. My baby will be a part of this family.

And so it begins.

Me and the Kim Dynasty

Record keeping

January 9, 2013

Going back a bit for record keeping's sake:

Nov. 21, 2012

Well, if it wasn't clear in the exchange of texts we had this past week, let me clarify: I'm totally willing to explore donating my "boys" and I'm flattered that you would even consider me to be the guy. I suppose have a pretty good track record so far, but that may have all been from Kate's side, so no promises. I just have some questions about the whole thing and it would be good to talk about this over a beer or two sometime. I was shocked to hear you were considering this... not that I don't consider you as the motherly type. For some reason, I just assumed you didn't want your own kids. Just let me know whenever you are ready to talk.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Joon

Dec.6, 2012

Hi!!!

Sorry I havent called you yet...i got back, hit the ground running, then immediately got a cold from Quinn ( I CANT HELP SMOOCHING THESE DAMN BABIES!!). My trip was great, which was a nice surprise. I mean, it had its ups and downs, but they were quite normal and only small bumps instead of major catastrophes. I can't wait to see you and tell you about how everyone is doing (I saw Cat, Rachel, Kristen, Deirdre, and Becky!). This weekend is packed, but Im off all day next Wed...would that work for you?

xoxo

T

ps If I had a baby would you watch if for me while I worked if I did 1/2 days? (Dont worry, we'll have a long convo abt that one when I see you ;)

----------------------------------------------------

yay, can't wait to hear EVERYTHING!

wednesday is good--i have harlow on wednesdays now, so my hands will be full but i would love to hang out.  any ideas of where or what?  do you want to come and see my new floors???  i am happy to go there, too.

also.  yes.  would love to care for any of your wee ones.  DUH.  but you may need to figure your end of things out sooner rather than later (no pressure though, not sure how my tone is coming off right now...email is tricky).  thought i might be "with child" last month due to extreme fatigue--sleeping tons and not feeling like i slept much.  but then the period came and with it, relief.  so that tells me i am ready for the big snip-snip.  certainly not something that needs to be done right away, but it was the first time i felt so sure.  we can talk much more later--i am so curious to hear where your head it on all of this!

xoxo!
Kate


 Dec.9, 2012

Ugh...FF I'M DYING TO TALK TO YOU. But I'm waiting til Wednesday so I can see you :)  Soooo much to talk about.
I'll definitely come up there, you don't need to be dragging two babies and (don't wanna wear you out before you get mine ;). I'll come to your place in the morning unless I'm up all night. I'll call you when I'm heading out and see what you're up to ok?
Love love love love love,
T
 ---------------------------------------------------

omg...the suspense is killing me! i hope the result of this dramatic pause is that I get to shop for teeny tiny things for someone that i don't have to grow!
can't wait to set you,
xoxo
Kate

Dec.12, 2012

Kate and Joon,

I just wanted to tell you what a magical day today was. Aside from this wonderful amazing gift you are offering me, my time with your family today was perfect. I love your kids so much and just having a chance to hang out with each of them was so fun. I love that they are so happy to see me and that they are used to me hanging around your house, just being there. I love that I got to be there with ALL of you for a change and that you have made me such a part of your lives. I talked to my family tonight and each time I talked to one of them I told them, "This is a family I want to be a part of". My family is SO happy and excited for me, and also that because of, and because it's, you. I don't think any of us could imagine more wonderful people to have as part of our, and, hopefully, my baby's life.

I love you both. No matter what happens, thank you forever.
Tiffany

Dec.13, 2012

oh, ff, i am SOSOSO happy about all of this.  i love that we are able to spend time together these days, i love where my life has brought me, i love that you and my children are getting closer and closer with each visit, and i love SO MUCH that you are ready to have a baby and that joon and i can play a (small) role in you starting your own family.  the thought of another lil bebe joining all of us is just so wonderful.  my greatest hope is that everything goes smoothly and in a couple of months you are sending me texts of a positive pregnancy test!

thank you for coming up yesterday and for hanging out for the entirety of the day.  it was wonderful.  i am sorry i was scattered and unorganized!  next time i will have better preparations.  :)  i was just so distracted by the whole yes-baby/no-baby situation.

i am curious about your family!  did you talk to all four of them?  and i am glad/flattered/happy that their response was so positive.

i love that my children could have more cousins than i ever thought they would!  after being so much alone in CA, it is a truly wonderful thing to watch them bloom and grow surrounded by so much love and daily interactions.

yay!  life is wonderful!

xoxo
Kate

Poached, fried, hardboiled??

January 10, 2013

So, 37 years young =poached eggs.

Hopefully they are not, but over 35 and things get a bit sketchy. I have high hopes, but also know how these things can go. In light of my geriatric realities,  I am throwing everything at the process - acupuncture, massage, herbal whanots, vitamins, cutting out caffeine and red meat, limiting dairy, meditation/visualization etc. Frankly, I could probably stand to do most of these things anyway just for my own physical and mental health. I REALLY don't want to go anywhere near fertility drugs or in vitro. I am giving this 6 months and then...well, I don't really know. I have been taking birth control pills for many years to eliminate my periods (I am all about better living through chemistry) so I don't really know what my cycle is like, or if I even have one. So far, this last month, everything has happened within a normal time frame. Stopped pills, had bleeding, positive ovulation predictor on day 15, regular period starting at day 31 for a 15 day luteal phase. I have NEVER been happy to get my period until this month, but this time I was SO excited because it means I may have a shot at trying in just a few weeks! It's all very exciting and mind boggling. In some ways I feel very prepared, but in others not at all. I guess that's normal. I always thought I would feel so sad doing this alone, but 1.) I don't at all so far, and 2.) I'm not really alone. My wonderful community, my family of origin and my family of choice have all been so supportive and excited! I can always find someone to talk to when I'm feeling crazy or excited or overwhelmed or confused.

I feel like I have become the most boring person ever, as ALL I think about are my ovaries. It's really crazy how all-consuming this is. I sort of knew, but I never really realized how much brain and soul go into this stuff. I think this whole adventure is going to be amazing. I will get to be my own anthropologist/observer.  As much as I know the potential emotional dangers in putting the horse before the cart, it's seemingly impossible not to. Secretly I have picked out names (which, by the way, is one awesome part of being a single mom by choice...I get to pick them all by myself, no input!) and I have dreams of a daughter.

My new mantra is "Believe in what you want so much that it has no choice but to materialize."

Also, this happened...

January 14, 2013 Tiffany   Hello! As far as baby makin' goes, if all goes as "planned', I should be inseminating on the 22nd/23rd of this month! I had a 31 day cycle last month, pos OPK on Day 15, regular 4 day period this month...so here's hoping! I've decided to try using a cervical cap instead of a catheter. I have a serious semen phobia so the containment factor appeals to me ALOT (assuming I can get it in and don't dump it all over myself.....AGH!). I'll keep you updated. Think good thoughts for me.

Margi Coggins Hi there!

The cap is a great idea. Maybe practice with lube so you don't think about it much when faced with semen?
Keep me posted! Fingers crossed.

Tiffany Ok, weird question...what is the actual consistency?

Margi Well, really fresh stuff is chunky. After 15 min or so it liquifies. It becomes the consistency of spit.

Tiffany I'm sorry I asked, but thank you. :-/
Margi  Sorry. I'm not sure if it was better to know now or not.

Tiffany
I'm pretty sure it's not. My bad. Brain bleach to aisle 4 STAT!

Margi Ok so I guess we shouldn't talk about how it smells? :) Tiffany OH GOD MARGI!!! WHY GOD WHY???!!!

			Margi Sorry, you bring out this wicked side of me that normally stays quiet. It won't be  so bad. Just buy yourself some nice fragrant flowers. It will be like a date!

			Tiffany

   When is the last time you went on a date??!!!??

			Margi

			Good point. But dates often have bad breath, right ?

			Tiffany

			That's why i date girls. They almost always smell good. ;)

A rose by any other name...

 I have, of course, begun feverishly searching for names for my as yet un-conceived (better than ill conceived) baby person.

Here is a brief study in how this process goes...

Adelaide. Love this name. Perfect. Done.
Crap, there is a character on American Horror Story who has Down's Syndrome and says the line "You're gonna die in that house." repeatedly.  Adelaide

Vivianne. Pretty but strong. Love Viv. Perfect. Done.
Crap, that's the name of Adelaide's mother on the aforementioned show.  Vivianne

Adeline. Good second choice for Adelaide.
Crap, sounds too much like Madeline which I am sick to death of. Adeline

Helene. Strong and feminine.
Crap, turns out there's an African American haircare company called Queen Helene. They do make nice cocoa butter, but still. Helene

Emaline. Good third choice for Adeline.
Crap, everyone will call her Ema-line instead of Ema-leen. Too southern. Emaline

Annalies. Dutch, pretty, sounds floral.
Crap, has 'ANNA' in it and everyone will call her Anna-lees instead of AHHna-lees. Ick. Annalies

Beatrix. A Queen's name. Unusual. Dutch. I like B names.
Crap, turns out I'm uncomfortable having an 'X' in the name. Beatrix

Anneke. L.O.V.E. this. Reminds me of my childhood friend. Dutch. Perfect. Done.
Crap, Annika (same pronunciation) was the 506th most popular name in 2011. Anneke


And so here I sit. All I know for sure is that the girl's middle name will be Margaret, or a variation, and the boy's middle name will be John, or a variation. I think Margriet and Johannes.

At least I haven't found any reasons to hate those...yet.
 

How (not) to do a home insemination - PRACTICE ROUND

January 17, 2012

Step 1: Insert 4-6cc  faux semen (lube) into Instead cup

Step 2: Carefully slide Instead cup into vagina with edges pressed together, keeping horizontal as directed by all the successful people on the web

Step 3: Clean up copious amounts of lube off bathroom floor and out of vagina

Step 4: Try not to break neck as bathroom floor turns into slip n slide

Repeat

How the hell does anyone use a cup full of semen and not have it gush out the front while inserting it?????

Ingredients

How to make a baby

(serving size 1)

Ingredients:

 1 Prenatal vitamin

 1 DHA

 1 1200mg Mucinex

 1 100mg B6 QD

 3 500mg Amoxicillin

 1 egg

 4-6cc baby juice

Directions:
 Have period

 Wait 1 week

 Mix all solid ingredients in stomach daily with at 48oz water or decaf tea

(optional) Add acupuncture, massage, visualizations, and/or prayer

 Wait 1 week

 Place baby juice in slow cooker - IMPORTANT: Do not put wet ingredients in stomach

 Await arrival of egg in slow cooker. DO NOT CRACK, SEPARATE, OR BEAT.

 Wait 38 weeks

 Serve warm

Nuestra Senora de La Leche y Buen Parto

Nuestra Senora de La Leche y Buen Parto (Our Lady of Milk and Good Birth)

January 19, 2013


Look how happy she is!

So I've been poking around at my cervix every day for about 6 weeks. It's a funny body part that one never sees or thinks much about until there's a good reason. I have never actually seen mine, **insert gasps of horror from fellow midwives here***, but I have been told it is a.) there and b.) "petite". That is good enough for me. What I have determined from my daily proddings is that it is not particularly hard to find, it is not as mushy as one might expect, and it does actually change during the month.  I mention all of this because it is at the top of my list of things I did not in any way care one bit about for the last 37 years and 3 months. Other things on that list include my ovarian function, my eggs, my periods (except to be annoyed by them), how much alcohol I consume, vitamins, and luteinizing hormone.

I don't know why I am so surprised at how all-consuming this process is. I have always understood this about women going through IVF as there are so many tests and factors and dates and deadlines, but I guess I didn't realize that no matter how it happens, once you decide to procreate the world shrinks down to an egg sized ball. (Which I have been led to believe is about the size of the period at the end of this sentence.) All of this insanity is exacerbated by the fact that I take 6 pills every day, I set my alarm for 7am every morning so I can wake up long enough to take my temperature, I schedule acupuncture once a week, I pee on a stick twice a day, and I WORK WITH PREGNANT LADIES ALL DAY. Although, oddly, I still very separate from those women.

I am very fortunate to have wonderful, patient, loving friends who kindly pretend to be interested in all this stuff, so I am able to delude  myself into thinking that obsessing like this is normal. I am sane enough, however, to keep about 80% of my perseveration to myself (yes friends, you are ONLY getting 20%). The thinking is constant and distracting, but somehow comforting. I feel like all I am doing is trying to fill up the space between now and when I can try to get knocked up. The thinking makes the time go by. I am not going to write about ALL the stuff I think about because, even here, I don't want to fully demonstrate the insanity. I worry that I am becoming boring. I worry that all my other interests will recede so far that I will no longer have any other hobbies or pursuits and my depth will diminish until I am simply a flat, potential fetus carrier. I worry that my friends will stop listening or inviting me to do things because I have become insufferable. I worry that I will be subsumed, consumed, devoured.


And then I will become a parent.

Crap.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow

 January 20, 2013

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is my first shot at this baby making business. It finally came. It feels like it has been forever, but it's only been a month and a half. I'm pacing around tonight, picking things up and putting them down again, packing and repacking for my night at the Kim's tomorrow, starting to watch TV and then losing track and wandering away, trying to read unsuccessfully.

I am full of nervous energy and really excited. Mostly excited. I just hope my optimism and hope and belief are not just naivete or foolishness. I guess it's like love in every other form...if you're gonna fall, fall hard and fast. If it doesn't work out the way you thought, it won't kill you and you are guaranteed to walk away with new experience in your pocket.

My cervix has actually gotten noticeably softer and a little more open, which feels promising. Mucous improving. I think the time is coming.

The imagery I've been going with is that while there are at least a dozen eggs all trying to mature fast enough to get popped out, the one who gets her party shoes on fastest will be THE lady of the hour. With a loud "Ta Da!" she will pop out, party shoes strapped on, ready to roll!

Jodi just gave me a beautiful card that says, "One of the most difficult things we can do is to show our true selves to the world. Yet, you found the courage to say, "this is who I am." We think it's actually meant to be a coming out card (who knew they made those?), but the sentiment felt right. So here I am universe, here I am announcing myself to you.

I am a mother to be.

I will fall asleep tonight believing in what I want so much, that it has no choice but to materialize.

ps Someone really needs to get me these UH-mazing shoes from Camper!!

(Midwives, please ignore the 2 sperm-1 egg situation)

Minions

January 25, 2013


Inseminations on Mon, Tues, and Wed. Pos opk on Thursday. At least I know that if there is an actual window I damn sure hit it!

Positive signs: Ferns in saliva (turns out that really happens!), cervix soft and open-y, 1 1/2 days egg-y mucous, positive ovulation kit (opk) on Day 16

Less positive signs: Not much cervical mucous, no increase in basal body temperature yet

The positive opk was VERY exciting...hopefully this means Ms. Egg will get her party shoes laced up within the next few days, and that Joon's minions (his AMAZING term) are waiting near the correct entrance to the baby superhighway.

And now I wait. And obsessively read about how long the LH surge lasts, how soon after a pos opk one ovulates, how long after one ovulates does one's temperature go up, how high one's themperature should rise, what it means if it never does, how long one needs friendly cervical mucous and on and on and on...

What I do know is that if there is an egg, and if the minions can find her, and if I am meant to get pregnant this cycle, that the circumstances couldn't have been more loving and humorous and welcoming. On the last day I inseminated I picked up the boys at the bus stop, came back and high fived Joon on the way to the bathroom, tried again to get knocked up in Kate's bathroom, hung out with the kids and Kate's brother/sister in law/niece, ate a deelish home cooked dinner, and headed home full of turkey meatloaf and love.

Joon is a champ and his generosity and sense of humor can not be overstated. So here's to his minions...I hope they are as hardworking as he has been! 

It's raining babies

January 31, 2013

Last week I went to North Carolina to visit some babies. 5 to be exact.

My first stop was to see my dear friend Becca. I met Becca in Awfultown, New York. She and Frank, her Ecuadorian husband, had moved there from New Jersey and come to my practice when she was pregnant with her first baby.  We bonded first on the pitiful culinary offerings of our crappy town, and, later, on the general weirdness of it all. As soon as we met we knew we were meant to be friends, but I was a little hesitant. I have a strict policy of not befriending patients while they are pregnant because all pregnant ladies are crazy and I need to be sure they are not crazy at all times. Turned out that Becca was an exception in that she was not at all crazy during her pregnancy. Also, Becca is Mormon. For awhile that worried me. I wondered what it meant to be friends with someone who participates in a religion that has been actively persecuting people just like me. I wondered if I could be friends with her. I wondered if she would judge me for who I am and what I believe and want to change me or reject me. Fortunately, I quickly realized the hypocrisy of that thinking and we began our improbable friendship...she became my Mormon, and I became her gay. Carolina was born by C-section not too long before I moved away. Becca worked so hard for a vaginal birth during a 42 week induction, but it just didn't happen. Her recovery was terrible and she was one miserable mama for awhile. I came to love her even more for her ability to openly and honestly talk about the pain and suckiness and exhaustion and disappointment and struggle that are sometimes what being a new mama is all about (especially post-operatively).

Fast forward, I moved back to Boston and the Succos moved to Greensboro, North Carolina. 8 weeks ago she had her second baby, Mateo. This time around she had a vaginal birth, an experience she fought really hard for and literally only gave up on while she was in early labor but didn't know it. Carolina has turned into a bright, beautiful, serious, thoughtful little girl. She loves her mama and her new brother, she worships her daddy, and she is not sure about anyone else. Mateo is sweet and silly in the ways only a new baby can be. His hair makes him look like an Ecuadorian dandelion. Frank's Spanish-speaking only parents were also in town...turns out the adoration of grandparents is the same in every language.

Stop number two was to see Alisa and Amber...and their TRIPLETS. Moral of this story = three babies is WAY too many babies. Alisa and I dated when we were in Midwifery school. When we broke up I didn't know how to handle it and I was so hurt and upset that I couldn't find my way to moving into a friendship with her. Several years later I found out that Alisa and Amber had gotten married. I was so happy that she had found love and a life partner, but I was even happier to see that her mom, with whom she had had a very difficult relationship when we were together, had come to the wedding. And so I wrote this to her and hoped she would be happy to hear from me. She was, so we started again, this time as friends. The last time I saw the babies they were about 3 months old (although, since they were born 8 weeks early, they were basically still like 2 week olds). I was only there for about 36 hours, but that was enough time to leave me exhausted and  twitching. It was INTENSE. The good news is, it turns out three 1 year olds is much easier...in some ways. Pretty much as soon as I walked in the door I was handed a baby and told to get him to sleep. So I snuggled, bounced, sang, placed in crib, and rinsed and repeated twice more. My time with Eliot a few summers ago, who would only sleep in the ergo while being bounced and sang to,  really boosted my skill set in this department. The overwhelming joy that comes when a baby is willing to rest his wee head on my chest, settle into my arms, and feel safe enough to fall asleep, particularly when he doesn't even know me, is indescribable. It's makes all 10,000 times I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to those boys, well worth it.

The weekend ended at a pub with Amber, Alisa, and two of their good friends. We all had some seemingly good reason to have a few drinks, so we did (I decided that even if my pregnancy was imminent, there was no blood flow yet so a few drinks couldn't hurt). All three babies survived and all five adults had a fantastic time. The silliness continued at home and I left the next day full of love and appreciation for these wonderful women and their current and future families. I also love that the only "partying" I've done this year was with another couple trying to get pregnant, and the mothers of triplets! Cheers to babymaking!

Me, Amber, Evelyn, Lite, and bebes

Mind fucking

February 4, 2013

So this.

 

A very very very faint line has appeared.  So faint as to almost not be there. But it is. Or is it? It has definitely never been there before. But is it really there now? And is it real or an evaporation line (I don't even know what that really means but the fertility bloggers talk about it ALOT)? I'm not prone to hallucinations, but I do want this really badly, so maybe I am imagining it. But I showed some other people and they see it too. Or do they?

I'm not ready to find out I'm not pregnant, so I'm gonna wait and check in a few days.

This is how women become insane. And they sell these damn things in twos, with the advice to take both of them if one is positive...just in case. WHAT?? And they cost $10/piece. WHATWHAT??

Mind fucking part deux

February 8, 2013

And then this. This happened tonight after I had two negatives two days ago. So now I REALLY have no idea what's going on. The one on the right (Yes I know they are upside down. Right means right.) with the fainter line was the first one I did, the one on the left with a more visible, yet still faint, line is the repeat. So, no more tests until I can get my blood drawn on Tuesday. But these make me think I've got something fertilized in there...maybe...yes....maybe. Hopehopehopehopehopehope.

Firefly oh how you shine shine shine

February 11, 2013

OMFG I'M PREGNANT!!! THE STICK SAYS I'M PREGNANT!!! OMFG I'M PREGNANT!!!

Oh god bless the digital pregnancy test, dare I say the greatest gift to womankind since we stopped waiting for the rabbit to die! No more staring at lines, interpreting colors, changing the light source, taking a poll, rubbing my eyes, looking again, and generally making myself nuts.

I can't believe I am growing a human.

This morning I woke up and everything tasted like metal. Thinking about food made my tummy turn a bit and every food I could think of sounded about as interesting as eating a cardboard box. And then came the pulled pork. I went to my favorite BBQ restaurant (Blue Ribbon) and couldn't even begin to imagine having pulled pork in my mouth. I got collards and mashed potatoes, and ate about 4 bites of each. And then I was done. SOMETHING WAS TERRIBLY AWRY!!

Positive pulled pork sign. Followed by positive "Pregnant" stick.

I am totally unable to process this idea. The image that keeps popping into my head is of a tiny flickering light, like a a firefly. I just hopes it keeps getting brighter and steadier. 

I am only 4 weeks and 5 days along, so there is much to come, many possibilities. I don't know how it will feel if the pregnancy does not move forward, but I do believe that whether or not I pretend not to be excited, I will be sad. And so I will treat this like every burgeoning relationship and jump in head first. If my heart gets broken, I will surround myself with friends and family and remember that no other broken heart has killed me yet. 

Here's to the firefly! Flicker on...

If you stay, the fireflies become fireflies again, not part of your stories, as unaware of you as sleep, being beautiful and quiet all around you. -Marilyn Kallet

February 16, 2013

I appear to still be pregnant, so that's nice. I've lost 5 lbs because it turns out you can do that if you decrease your portion size by half and don't eat snacks...but this only works if you're not hungry and/or slightly queasy. Everyone keeps asking about my boobs, but they don't hurt. So now I'm worried they should. Let the crazymaking continue! 

I am having an ultrasound next week to see what's growing in there. NO, this is not strictly medically necessary, but it feels important to me and I have access to some free care at my office. If anything happens early on in this pregnancy, I want to know that something was growing in there at some point...just so I know it can happen again. I will be 5 weeks and 6 days when I have it, so there are three possibilities for what I will see: 1.) A not growing gestational sac  2.) A growing yolk sac and/or fetal pole, but no heat beat yet  3.) A fetal heart beat.  I'm doing it a bit early so Kate can come down to be there with me, so I know we're both hoping to see a little beating something in there. If it turns out that things are growing but it is too early for a heartbeat yet, I will just wait and see how things progress. I feel strangely un-nervous about it. This all just feels right, so I keep thinking it must be moving forward as it should. Maybe I'm just silly or naive, but that's ok too.

I skyped with my host family today and told them. Thea turns 69 today so it seemed like a nice time to give her some fun news. Haite says he is ready to be a grandpa (Opa) and is very excited the due date is in October as that is his, both my host-sister's, and Mollie's birth month. I told Thea I hope it is a girl and she replied, "Oh, poor Haite!". Both my fathers are doomed/blessed to only have women around them forever. 

Speaking of which, I do hope it is a girl. I have wanted a daughter since I was 5. But, while the idea of a son used to terrify me, I have had so much fun helping raise up Eliot, Quinn, Gus, and the triplets that I feel much better about that possibility. As Anya pointed out, the world needs more good men raised by lesbians. I think she is right. I have a name picked out for both (that I won't be sharing with anyone) so I'm at least that ready for either one.

Fingers crossed for next Tuesday!

Grain of rice (6 weeks)

February 19, 2013

Well, it's official...I've got something the size of a grain of rice, with a heartbeat, growing in my body. I'm in shock. I'm still sort of speechless and keep getting a little confused when people congratulate me. In part because it all seems so surreal, but also because I don't feel like I did anything. I mean, the room was already empty, sperm go where they're gonna go, ovulation happens, and the rest is all magic. I didn't even plan all that well considering I scheduled this whole thing around my vacation. In the end, nature prevailed and cells divided. Meanwhile, I worked, ate, slept, worked, ate, slept, and, just like in Jack's story, when I wasn't looking, the bean grew.

Kate was there for the ultrasound which was wonderful. I am so grateful to her and I couldn't have imagined seeing that tiny heartbeat for the first time without her. Having her there made it much more real, but also VERY surreal. As I lay on the table I thought, "Oh my god, I'm looking UP at her from here, instead of looking DOWN on her and her big belly!". Then I thought, "Oh my god, that's MY uterus on the screen!".

At first when I saw the tiny flickering, I was sure I had imagined it. It was so early on and I wanted to see it so badly that I figured I had hallucinated it. But then the ultrasonographer saw it, then Kate saw it, then I saw it again...and it was real. A tiny, barely there, flickering. Not even a whole heart, just movement of the early cardiac muscle, but enough to know something real is growing in there. And then the shock set in. How could this actually have worked? How could this have happened so soon?? How could I actually be growing a human in me?? WHAAAAT???

I could see the gestational sac that surrounds the baby and the fluid, first - a dark oval in the top of my uterus. Then I could see the yolk sac, which acts as the early circulatory system until the baby develops its own - a bright circle inside the gestational sac. Then, right next to the yolk sac, I saw the flickering. The baby was only visible as a thick triangular shape, the fetal pole, just at the edge of the yolk sac, and that's where the flickering came from. I know there are flippers already, but I can't see those yet.

I know there is a long way to go and that anything could happen, but knowing I can at least get a life started is enough for now. Here's to the future, little one!

Extreme close up (not mine!)

Gestational sac (that's my uterus!)

Yolk sac

Fetal pole (that's my baby!)

A rose by any other name...

March 2013

Suggested fetal names:

Firefly

Petunia (when April was 5 and my mom was pregnant, she was very insistent that the new baby have a flower name. Her list included Tulip, Daisy, Petunia. Fortunately, my mom went with Amalia. But as an homage, my family is now calling this little one Petunia)

Soy bean (making me an Edamama  :o)

Kimchee Bun (courtesy of my favorite foodie, Anya)

Mochi (Olivia came up with this yummy one)

Tony Danza (fetal pole --> pole dancer --> private dancer --> tiny dancer --> Tony Danza.  That would be Anya again)

Gummy bear (Jody liked this when I told her an 8w baby is about this size)

Joon bug (thanks Alisa :)


So far, little Tony Danza has been the most used but that's probably because I talk to Anya more than almost anyone else....and I love her wackadoo brain and how it got to this.

Kidney beans, grapes, and kumquats, oh my!

March 13, 2012

Nine weeks today - which means my baby is the size of a grape, according to the purveyors of the latest fad in baby measurements. (http://www.babycenter.com/slideshow-baby-size). I start my prenatal care on March 25th, (kumquat and a half weeks). When I get to between fig and lime size (11-12 weeks) I will be seeing a maternal fetal medicine specialist to have some tests done. They will primarily be looking for early markers of Down's Syndrome, but will also check for two other severe types of chromosomal disorders. It's pretty amazing how much can be seen non-invasively these days. In the past an old lady mom like me would need to have an amniocentesis to get this kind of information this early - this involves a giant needle in the belly, a lot of discomfort, and a small risk of miscarriage. Now a blood test can look for fetal DNA in my blood and tell with about 99.9% accuracy if the baby has a couple very specific chromosomal disorders. I may also have a very directed type of US to look for physical markers. The testing is still a few weeks away, so I may feel differently as time goes on, but I feel very unworried about this kiddo. The chances of there being any issues are small, and I just feel like this baby is gonna be ok.

I have always thought that if I found out my baby had certain abnormalities, I would choose to terminate the pregnancy early on. I have also always known that I won't really know what I will do until I am actually confronted with the reality. It seems unimaginable to carry a baby that will absolutely not survive after birth (ie if it doesn't grow a brain or has other major genetic anomalies), but the much greyer area includes things like Down's Syndrome that aren't necessarily life threatening, but have lifelong implications for the baby and me. I know that I will make the right choice for me and my family, but that it will be a very difficult one to make if I have to. I don't worry about my soul, or my relationship with a higher power, or what other people will think of me - I believe my job as a human is to always make the best decisions I can, honestly and open heartedly, and that with the gift of being able to make life inside your body comes the burden of having to make difficult choices for your children and family, and that I should not be judged for those choices - but I do worry that I could make a choice I might regret. My dear friend Jill will be accompanying me to this visit because I wouldn't want to find out any hard news alone, but I know that no matter who is with me I will be making this decision alone. I also know that no matter what I choose, my family and community will be with me the whole way, loving me and supporting my choices. And at the end of the day, that's makes everything seem a little less frightening.

For now I am just hanging with my presumably perfect little grape - the little grape that is draining my life force and making me more tired that I ever knew a healthy human could be. I think we're both fine and will continue to be all the way to small pumpkin size.

Flippers!! (9 weeks)

March 15, 2013


You would not believe what is wiggling around IN MY BODY!! Caspar the friendly ghost, apparently...

The baby is upside down with the head is to the lower left. The dark spot in the head (in the bottom of the picture) is the back of the brain (the rhomebencephalon)...and there are 2 little flippers (armbuds) in the center of the picture!

Another view of the wee arm and leg buds. You can see the rhombencephalon clearly (the heart shaped dark spot in the head), which will eventually be the medulla, pons, and cerebellum.

This is a side view. Again, dark spot is the back of the head. You can see a profile of an armbud next to the head, and 2 little leg buds in the top, right hand corner.

Ka-thump ka-thump ka-thump ka-thump

March 19, 2013


I heard the heartbeat today!!! It was AAAAmazing!! Once, again, so very surreal to be ON the table instead of standing above it. And even though I had seen the baby last week, hearing the heartbeat was an incredible reality check. There is something ALIVE in my body. Whoah.

It was very sweet. Ruth (the other midwife here) listened for the heartbeat, and all 5 MA's from our office came in to listen and cheer. I have the best work people :)

This also means I'm pretty much out of the miscarriage woods which is pretty darn exciting as well. Now all I need to do is make sure the chromosomes line up properly and we are off and running. So hard to believe.

Couldn't have planned it better if I had tried... (12 weeks)

April 1, 2013

Oh, it was SO perfect! I mean, what are the chances that the day I had planned to announce my pregnancy would be April Fool's Day?

The plan had been that as long as my early genetic screening ultrasound looked perfect, I would let everyone know about the baby. And lo and behold, that appointment was made for April 1!

Jill came with me, in case there was any bad news, and we first met with the genetic counselor...which was a little hilarious. First I admitted to having had one glass of wine and two mimosas since conception, and so I had to hear about that. Then she asked me about the "partner's" history. I stared blankly at her while trying to come up with a one word correction for that, then gave up and started trying to answer questions about Joon's family.

Does he have siblings? Yes.
How many? Uhhh...one brother?
Is he healthy? I think so.
How many children does he have? Errrrr...I think 2.
Are they healthy? I don't have any reason to believe otherwise.

And so on and so forth. I think  she was fairly unimpressed, and rightly so. I guess I just trust that Joon would have offered the information that he has a cretin brother who has been kept under a bed his whole life, or an uncle who is a werewolf, or Siamese twins on his dad's side.

After that came the ultrasound.  And there s/he was! You can see the little hand/fingers right up by the face.

The hands were up by the face the whole time (it looks like a little claw in the next picture), so it took a but of finagling to get him/her to move them a little, but all the markers for genetic issues were absent. S/he has a lovely nasal bone and a swanlike neck (nuchal fold was .78, normal is <3).

So here is the Facebook announcement I made:

There were many skeptics, and then all the people that knew this was in the works sending SO much love and congratulations. I enjoyed the level of confusion and chaos that ensued greatly :)
All in all, it was the best April Fool's Day ever.

Checking it twice (14 weeks)

April 15, 2013

So I went back to MGH today for a follow up ultrasound. When they last looked, there was still some gut in the umbilical cord, which can be normal at that time but the MD wanted to be sure it had resolved. So back I went, this time with Kate and Leia. At one point Kate asked Leia if she could see the baby on the screen. Leia said "Dat's not baby, dat's a turtle!" Hard to argue that s/he hardly looks like any baby I've ever seen. The doc proclaimed all is well and off we went, three ladies and a turtle.

There s/he is with the little nose pressed up against my placenta

You can see the spinal colon so well here, as well as the nasal bone and jaw bones. The little arm is folded up against the side

And there is the little arm, hand and fingers

And here is my first official pregnancy selfie...not too bad :)

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

June 4, 2013

Well I'm 21 weeks and still no movement. I'm not worried because I know this can be normal, but I'm sure ready to feel something! My placenta is completely anterior so it's sort of like having memory foam between baby and I. I've seen movement on the ultrasounds, but no flutters no thumps no nothing. I lie in bed every night, on my stomach, holding my breath, and I wait, and I concentrate, and then, then, maybe I feel something....and then I fart. Oh well, when s/he is ready to make herself known, s/he will. Until then I will keep holding my breath, waiting, waiting....

Things that go bump in the night

June 10, 2013

Tonight I felt her move...FINALLY!! 22 weeks and haven't felt a damn thing, not a flutter, not a bubble, not a swish. But tonight...A THUMP! A resounding, unmistakeable THUMP. A THUMP so big that I sat up in bed and cried out, "What was that? Oh my god! No way! What??" It scared me a little, it was so solid and certain, no room for doubt. Something in my body just THUMPED me. For the next half hour there were all kinds of little bumps and knocks. I even pushed my hand in a little and felt her underneath my fingers. No mistake, you have made yourself known. Dance on little lady, dance on.

It's a girl! (22 weeks)

June 13, 2013

 Well, I never thought I'd be one to find out what I'm having, but turns out once I was given the option, I wanted to know. I had the option of learning, with close to 100% certainty, when I had the chromosomal testing, but at the time it felt too weird. She was barely a human, let alone a boy or a girl. Plus finding out from a lab test seemed strange. I guess you really never know what you'll want until you're there. I knew in my heart I was really hoping for a girl, and my mom made the suggestion that in case it was a boy and I needed to "readjust" my thinking, it would be better to know sooner rather than later. Seemed like there was something to be said for that...

So, today was the day and she's a she! And according to the ultrasound she's a close to perfect as a she can come. I know she may not always want to be a she, but for today she is, and I am happy. Kate and Leia came again to see what she is and it was so nice to have all the ladies together.

For much of the ultrasound she had her hands up behind her head, it was a trick to get her to move them. When Beda first put the ultrasound on she was lying COMPLETELY stretched out, legs totally extended, hands behind her head, lounging. I have never see that before and I couldn't believe how much leg was in there. She tucked her legs up so quickly we didn't even get a picture, but I'll never forget that image of her reclining. Hope she stays this relaxed.

I called my family and they all seemed unsurprised. April said, "Well, what else would it be?" Obviously, it could been a boy, but I knew what she meant. I too felt like it made perfect sense, like of course I'm having a daughter. Wow. A daughter. So much responsibility, but so much joy. I hope I can be a good mama to her.

There she is, my little girl. I can't wait to find out what she looks like!

 

And  there's her wee paw

 And there's her little hand, she got her pinky and  thumb up and the rest of her little fingers folded...Hang 10!