Begin the begin

December 24, 2012


2013 - this will be the year I start my family. MY family. My FAMILY. MY FAMILY!

Deciding to become a single mom is overwhelming, but I know with every fiber of my being that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life, right now. It has been a really wild few weeks - three weeks to be exact. Three weeks in which I decided to change my life, to create a new life, to open to the experience of being a mother.

So much happened in these 3 weeks. Kate and Joon offered to be my donors;  Becky and Kristen and Tanya saw me, loved me enough, knew me enough, to tell me it's time; I woke up one day and knew I NEEDED a baby; I stopped my pills on 12/8; I started doing ovulation predictors on 12/19, and at 1:00am on the 23rd, I got the smiley face saying I should be ovulating in the next 24 hours.

I haven't been this sure of anything since I decided to become a midwife. Before that, I think the most sure I ever felt about anything was when I was five and declared, "I am definitely never going to get married and I am definitely going to have a baby." And I knew that every single day until the day Anna and I broke up. Then I set it down. Then I stopped knowing it.  I set it down until I could heal. I set it down until I finished school. I set it down until I had money. I set it down until I had a partner. I stopped knowing if I was willing to give up my independence and time and money. I stopped knowing if I was brave enough to be a parent. I stopped knowing if I could love anyone enough to care for them for the rest of my life. And finally, almost exactly 10 years after I left Philadelphia, I have finally picked it back up, I finally KNOW it again. I have no partner, and I don't have much money. What I do have is an open heart, boundless love and affection, a strong will, belief in myself, an amazing community of friends/family/family of choice, and the will to create and grow life inside me.

Tonight I am at the Kim's house. The kids are sleeping, Lea in her little bed next to mine, Lucile on the floor. All I can hear is the rhythmic in and out of peaceful, dreamless, baby breaths. The day that Kate, Joon and I decided that we were going to do this was quietly, suddenly, miraculous. When we had talked about everything and I knew in my heart that this was the way to move forward, I felt this opening inside, like a door that had been stuck, when the humidity finally dropped, eased from its formerly swollen frame and silently swung out. And in that opening came the space for a baby to grow.

I spent the rest of that day with the family, going to gymnastics, reading to the girls, fixing and eating dinner, cleaning up, having family game night, laughing, smiling, hugging Kate and beaming. And I knew, this was a family I want to be a part of. My baby will be a part of this family.

And so it begins.

Me and the Kim Dynasty